Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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