Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
