So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
