How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
