he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
