I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
