I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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