I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
