it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
