A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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