My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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