So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
