isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
