I am puke
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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