if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Someone came in the potted fern
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
