Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
