it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
