you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
