Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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