did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
