he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
