Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
