Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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