Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
