Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
