Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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