I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
