if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I checked into jail on foursquare
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
