8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
