You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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