I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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