I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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