Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
