Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
