There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
