is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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