I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
