apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?