Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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