I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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