But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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