I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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