Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
