I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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