fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
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When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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