HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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