your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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