Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
