Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dear god my vagina.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
