The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
