Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
