I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
