Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
