i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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