it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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