My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
