its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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