And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
