but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
