two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
50% drunk capacity currently
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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