she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
