I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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