The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
