On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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